Grandparents: What You (and maybe only you) Can Do to Support Your Grandchildren's Talent Development

by Nancy Robinson, Ph.D.

“If anybody had told me how much fun grandchildren are, I'd have started with them first!” As a grandparent, you know the truth of that statement. The relationships we build with our grandchildren touch us very deeply and bring us special joy. We can generally choose our roles and responsibilities with them, and let their parents shoulder the rest. When grandchildren are advanced in their development, though, some special opportunities present themselves.

As you may already well know from having parented your own children, rearing a gifted and/or talented child is both labor-intensive and resource-intensive. Grandparents can help both directly and indirectly. They can support their grandchildren indirectly by backing up their own children in fulfilling parental responsibilities. More directly, they can support the needs and passions of their grandchildren.

The reason the family environment is instrumental in helping young people develop their talent is because of the way families work. A combination of high expectations and warm involvement on the part of parents - and, no doubt, grandparents - sets the stage for youngsters' sustained efforts toward fulfillment of their promise.

As a fellow grandmother, let me share some of what I've found you can do to be helpful.

Put effort into building the relationship. Valentines are not enough. These days, your grandchildren are likely to respond best to e-mail rather than letters and cards, so drop them a line at random times. Visit as often as you can.

Gifts. Send unexpected token gifts when you see something that you think will strike a responsive chord. Find a birthday or holiday gift that will lend itself to multiple uses. Some of my most successful have been a puppet stage with a bunch of hand puppets, multiple-use construction sets, components for electrical circuits, and a suitcase full of dress-up stuff from Goodwill (two of each to share with a friend). And no holiday should go by without a book.

Don't play favorites. This probably goes without saying - all your grandchildren deserve “special” attention. They are all special, not just the one(s) that show the most obvious talents.

Provide an extra pair of hands. Talented children make huge time demands on their parents. If you're available, drive grandchildren to lessons or soccer practice; be there when they get home from school. Stay with the children or invite them to your house, so parents can attend special events, including some that may take them out of town for the grandchildren's competitions. Cook dinner for the family from time to time, or drop it by. Consider paying for a cleaning service to simplify some household tasks.

Make yourself available so that your grandchildren will naturally come to see you as both a confidante and a cheering section. Gifted children do have worries - sometimes worries that exceed their years - and may not want to burden their parents. You can be a safe haven, a source of strength. Be sure all your grandchildren know that you are there for them whatever they do, that they needn't always put on a brave face, and they certainly needn't make all A's or win competitions to make you proud of them. At the same time, let them know that you have faith in what they can accomplish if they choose to. You especially want to recognize their efforts in developing their talents and to celebrate each new step and accomplishment. Remember that even if they don't become stars in their fields, their childhood studies will hook them as lifelong audiences.

Introduce your grandchildren to your own passions. If you have sports skills, performance skills, or handicraft skills of your own, introduce them to those activities. If you're in love with fishing, basketball, or ice skating, show them the role that passions can play in one's life. If you love classical music, for example, take them to children's concerts first, and by middle school, to grown-up events.

Take advantage of your locale. Go for short visits to museums, zoos, and the like, heading first to the exhibits that are likely to grab their interest and leaving before they become bored. (If you have an annual pass, you won't feel compelled to see everything on one visit.) Your grandchildren may have some surprising ideas themselves. (I know one youngster who likes to visit furniture stores!)

Invite your grandchildren for a solo visit, or get away with them individually for short vacations, which needn't be talent-related. Don't pack the days too full - be sure to let teenagers sleep in - and let them choose some activities while you choose others. You will both treasure these times.

Wisdom and advice: Be careful! You have an “expert” perspective on the way your grandchildren are being raised, but be very sparing with your advice! Your children are the decision-makers for their children just as you were with them. My own rule of thumb: Just once, when you have your children's full attention, make your suggestion about something they have or haven't done. Then leave it be.

Provide tangible resources. When children are gifted and/or talented, often their needs exceed what the public schools have to offer. If you have the funds available without depleting your own resources, here are some things you might consider:

• Special lessons, equipment, and competitions. Private lessons and equipment cost money. If your grandchild's talents lie in performance areas, master coaches, costumes, travel, and entry fees may be needed. One hint: When children are young, a warm teacher who likes children is most important; the higher-powered teachers can wait until the children's own passions take over.
• Summer camps and programs. The regional talent search organizations (like Northwestern's Center for Talent Development) provide many academic summer opportunities, and there are other camps for musicians and athletes. Tuition and travel can be costly, but, aside from what they'll learn, nowhere else is your grandchild as likely to find a peer group of similarly talented and committed potential friends who share their interests.
• Private schools. If the public schools are unable to provide appropriate challenge, consider whether there may be a private school that would be a better fit. Not all private schools are ready to do so, but there are some that are either especially designed for gifted children or flexible and sensitive enough to meet their needs. This will be a major decision for your family, since private schools often cost $10,000 to $20,000, year after year. Be prepared for the extra fees and expectations for contributions to the annual fund or a building campaign. Many independent schools have financial aid available; be sure to inquire. Also be sure to speak to your financial adviser about tax-related savings plans.
• College. This can be the really big-ticket item, although financial aid is more readily available for college than the K-12 level. And your gifted child absolutely needs to go to college - a good college, not necessarily a private one. Remember that it is your children's financial status that determines whether and what kind of help will be offered, so you may be able to help the family avoid taking on loans that would limit post-college choices. Again, make sure to speak to your financial adviser - now!
• Graduate school. Most gifted young people require graduate or professional study to fulfill the promise of their talents. In some fields, combinations of scholarships and research or teaching assistantships enable students to pay their own way for the most part; in other areas, especially professional schools, there are few such opportunities.

And what if you can't help in these ways? What if your own ill health precludes your taking an active role in childcare, travel, or chauffeuring? What if your own financial resources are already stretched thin? What if you live too far away to see your grandchildren very often? What if - and this is the worst of all - you are estranged from your own children? You know the answer - you do the best you can. You let your grandchildren know how much you care, whether or not you hear back from them. The most important thing you can do is to let them know of your love and interest, your pride in their development, and your respect for the efforts they exert to fulfill their talents. Just as with your own children, the opportunities go by very fast, so you can't wait. Grandchildren are very special - and so are grandparents!

Dr. Robinson is Professor Emerita of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at the University of Washington. A psychologist, her research interests throughout her career have been in the development of young children - first, those at the lower end of the distribution of intelligence, and then, those at the higher end. She assesses young, gifted children in her clinic and confers with parents.