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The Courage to Be Imperfect: Tom Greenspon on Perfectionism
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The Courage to Be Imperfect: Tom Greenspon on Perfectionism
| “Perfectionism is not about doing one's best, or about pursuing excellence; it's about the emotional conviction that perfection is the only route to personal acceptance. It is the emotional conviction that by being perfect, one can finally be acceptable as a person.” - Dr. Tom Greenspon Parents at CTD's Opportunities for the Future conference on June 26th, 2004, enjoyed a keynote address by Dr. Tom Greenspon, a therapist specializing in issues related to giftedness. Greenspon, a self-proclaimed perfectionist himself, explained the origins of perfectionism and shared findings that can help families better help their gifted students with this issue. The following is a summary of his presentation. Common characteristics of perfectionists Perfectionists share many characteristics. For example, perfectionists are often driven by routines, order and control. As a result, they are often running late because “one more thing had to be done.” They sometimes procrastinate; they delay decision-making; and their emotional fragility often results in exhaustion and an inability to relax. Why do they exhibit these symptoms? Life to a perfectionist is like living in the world of the Olympics, where only the gold medal winner receives attention and admiration and there is seemingly little return for second best. Key insights on perfectionism Perfectionism is about wanting perfection, fearing you won't get it, and most of all, not feeling totally acceptable if you can't be perfect. Perfectionism isn't about being the best, or working harder, or pushing yourself - that is pursuing excellence. While many perfectionists do this, you don't have to be perfectionistic to want to be the best. 1. Perfectionism is emotional. Many people do not realize that perfectionism is an emotional chain reaction: mistakes cause fear, which drives an obsession to ”get it right.” This chain reaction may reoccur when someone tries to tamper with a perfectionist's routine, as perfectionists fear things may end up in a mess, which in turn drives anger towards the person who threatens change. 2. Perfectionism is social. Social connection is fundamental to all human beings. If we don't feel connected (or acceptable), we either renounce the desire for connection, or we get busy doing things that we hope will make us connected. For some people, this involves a struggle to be perfect. 3. Perfectionism doesn't make people more successful. Striving for excellence and aiming for perfection are two different states of mind. Perfectionism does not determine success; talent, energy, and commitment do. Success occurs despite perfectionism, not because of it. Furthermore, perfectionism is not necessarily more prevalent among gifted people. 4. The home environment influences perfectionism. Children can learn perfectionism from their parents. Parents who take on too many projects or avoid delegating work to others may indirectly teach their children to follow suit. Additionally, perfectionism can arise in response to an environment that makes acceptability seem conditional: "If you do this the right way, then I will love you." Finally, a chaotic home environment can contribute to perfectionist thoughts such as “I'm not good enough to make things better.” Family situations can exacerbate feelings of failure, inability, and insecurity. What parents can do Creating an environment of acceptance is a way to help children get beyond the feeling that they are only OK if they can be perfect. Talking with our kids about our expectations as parents, and especially about the fact that we love them for who they are, not for their ability to meet expectations, will help them to feel acceptable as people and thus to have the courage to risk new ventures which might fail. Rudolf Dreikurs, noted American psychiatrist and educator, offers guidance for perfectionists to better understand themselves and the ”Olympic stadium” they live in: “This mistaken idea of the importance of mistakes leads us to a mistaken concept of ourselves. We become overly impressed by everything that is wrong in us and around us. To be human does not mean to be right, does not mean to be perfect. To be human means to be useful, to make contributions - not for oneself, but for others - to take what there is and make the best out of it.” - Rudolf Dreikurs Reference: Terner, J., & Pew, W. L. The Courage to be Imperfect: The Life and Work of Rudolf Dreikurs. New York: Hawthorn Books, 1978. Tom Greenspon is a psychologist and marriage and family therapist in private practice in Minneapolis, where his primary focus for 25 years has been gifted children, adults, and families. He is a former co-president of the Minnesota Council for the Gifted and Talented and author of the book Freeing Our Families From Perfectionism. by Summary by Celino Ullegue  E-mail this story
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